Episode 5 - Setting Boundaries
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
How can setting boundaries help you lead a more stress free life?
What does setting boundaries look like?
Is there an easy way to set boundaries?
Links to Things Mentioned in This Episode
Share the Shift Facebook Group
Episode Transcript
Do you always say yes out of a feeling of obligation, but then regret it later?
Are you the friend that everyone knows they can rely on, but no one really checks in on?
Do you always say yes, even when your intuition or body tells you to say no?
This used to be me. I was that yes woman, always wanting to make sure to be there for everyone else, but not taking care of myself. What started to change this for me? Setting boundaries and prioritizing the things that I value, including me.
Setting boundaries is letting others know what you’re comfortable with. It’s a way to protect yourself and your energy, and they can look different for everyone.
Did you know it’s healthy, and not selfish, to have boundaries?
Setting boundaries doesn’t come naturally to most people, so it may feel uncomfortable at first and take some practice, but just think of it like putting a protective layer around yourself by putting limits on what you’re comfortable with so you can maintain healthy relationships with those around you.
Boundaries aren’t just something you can use in romantic relationships, I’m talking about all relationships - families, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, everyone.
And if you’re thinking that not having boundaries is helping you to avoid conflict by not upsetting people, it’s actually the opposite. Boundaries can help you to avoid those uncomfortable situations and arguments because when people know where your boundaries are, they can more easily respect them. When you communicate your boundaries, people already know not to ask for things that you aren’t comfortable with.
One important step in setting boundaries is communicating them, and this can be scary at first if you’re not used to having uncomfortable conversations. But in truth, the conversations don’t have to be uncomfortable, they can actually take the pressure off when you let people know what your expectations are. As I’m sure we’ve all heard a million times, people, well most people, aren’t mind readers, they don’t know what we want and expect until we communicate it.
I was recently reading an email from Andrea Owen that drove this home for me. She said, “By saying nothing, you’re giving your power away.” And this isn’t what I want for myself, or for you, I want you to take your power back
And to get everything you want out of your life.
Andrea went on to say, that when we don’t speak up, we’re essentially saying there’s nothing we can do and we feel powerless, but often, that’s a lie, “We can do something about it. We can use our voices, educate others, invite conversations, and stand up for ourselves.”
This is what I want for you.
So what does setting boundaries look like?
It could look like not taking calls after a certain time, not lending money to friends, limiting visits with friends or family to a time or number you’re comfortable with, not doing extra work for free, not answering emails on the weekend.
Like I said, it’s different for everyone and every situation. Setting boundaries is just about letting others know what you are and are not comfortable with.
Setting boundaries can actually be life changing. It might feel strange at first, as I said, it doesn’t come naturally to most of us, and most people will need to practice. If you’re new to setting boundaries, others may not be used to you having boundaries, so this may be new for them too. Let them know you’re setting boundaries to create a healthier you and stand by them. If they want what’s best for you, they’ll understand you’re looking after yourself and respect your new boundaries.
If someone challenges your boundaries and can’t respect them when you explain why you’re setting them, they may not be a healthy influence in your life.
As you get more used to setting boundaries, you might actually find yourself less stressed because you’re not allowing the things that take away from you in your life, and more often you know what to expect.
Trust your intuition when setting boundaries - if you feel like you need more, or less, of something, set a boundary around it. Do what’s best for you. This is all about creating a more positive, stress-free environment for you.
So how do you go about having the conversation about setting boundaries? Remember those I feel statements they taught us to use in school? They can make a great formula.
Try something like I feel (a certain way) when you (do something). If you continue to do this, then, (give them a consequence).
And don’t always consider a consequence a punishment, it could be something like leaving the conversation, leaving the room, pointing out they’ve crossed a boundary, or anything that feels comfortable for you.
Let’s look at a couple examples. How about a gossipy friend?
I feel uncomfortable when you talk about people when they’re not around. If you continue to do this, I’m going to end the conversation and walk away.
You may ask, how do I know the boundaries that I’m setting are healthy and not just selfish?
Well, here’s a checklist to examine them against.
You can say no without feeling guilty (for a good reason, not just out of habit)
You are asking for what you need
You’re putting them in place to take care of yourself
When you’re saying yes, it’s because you want to, not out of a sense of obligation
Your boundaries are in line with your values and beliefs
You feel safe having a different opinion or difficult emotions, or even disagreeing with others around those that you have set boundaries with
Your boundaries support your goals
Your boundaries support your happiness
Your boundaries do not make you feel responsible for the happiness of others
You feel more in tune with your feelings
You’re confident in who you are, what you believe in, and what you like
If you’re just starting to set boundaries, you can also look at what you lose and gain both by saying yes and by saying no. This can help you to understand why you normally say yes to things, and what you might gain by saying no.
You can start with a situation that feels low stakes, like saying no to making something for a club bake sale when you really don’t have time, buying something at that online candle party when your budget doesn’t support it, or choosing to skip that girls’ lunch with people whose company you don’t really enjoy but you feel obligated to see.
The more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it will feel, and you can build up to bigger or more important relationships in your life.
Today’s tiny takeaway is to choose a low-stakes situation where you’d like to set a boundary and either just say no, or use the I feel formula to let others know where you stand. Take one little step forward and see how it feels. I bet it’s not as terrifying as it seems.
Thank you so much for joining me today on Shift Your Shit With Sara, the weekly podcast where I provide tools for people that are feeling stuck so they can shift into a life they love.
If you’re feeling a little resistance on today’s topic and think you may have some limiting beliefs that are stopping you from setting boundaries to take care of yourself, I encourage you to join my free Facebook Group called Share the Shift, where I’ll be doing weekly EFT sessions on Mondays at 8pm Eastern to help you shift your perspective.
Thank you again so much for joining me today, and if you’re enjoying this podcast, I’d be so thankful if you’d leave me a comment or review in your favourite podcast player. Have a great week, and I’ll see you again next time.
